Swimming Record

Probably the strangest swimming record ever recorded in the aquatic annals of the world belongs to Zebulon L. Muffgreen.

Muffgreen was born in Pheasant Grove, Utah, where his parents owned a combination bowling alley and greenhouse. He would often have to pick bowling pins out of the Japanese maple saplings when the Rotary Club was having a wild night. Muffgreen spent many futile hours trying to grow moss on a bowling ball, but he never got any further than turning the stubborn black balls into pure 24 caret gold — a complete waste of time, as you will agree.

But when Muffgreen turned 21 he decided to leave all that childish nonsense behind him and become a swimming coach in Death Valley. He felt this was his true vocation, and worked for 33 years at teaching horned toads and cactus wrens how to do the breast stroke — all out in the broiling heat, for he had no funds to build any kind of shelter.

But his noble though lonely efforts finally paid off when he was awarded a traffic ticket in downtown Burbank, California — which he still has hanging proudly on his wall at home — the State Home for Useless and Bypassed Individuals. It’s a nice place, you should come visit sometime.